Next week, a certain sequel is being released nationwide. Possibly one of the biggest sequels to be
released this year, actually, at best, 3rd biggest since both Matrix sequels will be released this
year. It’s scary the number of sequels that are planned for this summer. Why is it that Hollywood
either makes sequels or sells movies with the “Movie 1 meets Movie 2” tagline, ya know, The Core is
Armageddon meets American Pie....so retarded. Anyways, here is my summer movie preview...
Poster airbrush budget:$0
2 Fast 2 Furious (d: John Singleton) | 06.06.03
Yes, I know that The Fast & The Furious was just a remake of Point Break. I know
Vin Diesel is not a good actor. I know that the supporting cast was weak (at
best) and you can drive any one of the cars in the movie through the many plot
holes. But I still liked it. I also think John Singleton is a good director. Any movie
that ignites my desire to trick out my car can't be all that bad. Also, I have no idea
what I'm saying when I say "trick out."
[Final Rating: B]
American Wedding (d: Jesse Dylan 2) | 08.01.03 American Pie was great. I went into it not expecting much and I enjoyed it. I had
higher expectations for the second one and was let down. I have no expectations for this
third installment which has Jason Biggs marrying Willow. I hope Stifler is in it. I hope
he has a mullet. Do you think movie series that have 2 parts purposely make a 3rd just so
they can be a trilogy? I'll have to look into this a little further.
[Final Rating: B-]
"Dude, quit following me"
Bad Boys 2 (d: Michael Bay) | 07.18.03
You know, this is the movie equivalent of Fresh Prince making another album (not a single, a full length
album) with DJ Jazzy Jeff. Can you just imagine how much Martin Lawrence had to beg and plead Big
Willie for this? Since Bad Boys, Smith has gone onto Enemy of the State and Ali and
his crappy movies (Men Black, MIB II, Independence Day) all did a lot of business.
Martin has done Blue Streak, Big Momma’s House, and Black Knight. Black Knight
ladies and gentlemen. I thought the whole "Fish out of water" genre ended in the late 80s. Throw in a
hack director and this movie is guaranteed to actually lower your IQ 20 pts. That being said, I like
Bad Boys, The Rock, and Armageddon so I’ll probably like this.
[Final Rating: B-]
Bruce Almighty (d: Tom Shadyac) | 05.23.03
If you haven’t seen this preview, you’re missing out. Jim Carrey is hilarious in it. Jennifer Aniston is
really funny. Plus the entire plotline is great, who wouldn't want to be God for a week? I would. Of my
first hundred or so decrees, no less than 1/2 would revolve around girls. I'd also create a TV channel
dedicated solely to the 80s. Ok, back on track...the movie is going to be really funny and a great break
to the crapfest of comic movies coming out this summer.
[Final Rating: A]
Are you ready for this jelly?
Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle (d: McG) | 06.27.03
As terrible as the first movie was, I did laugh at a lot of scenes. Mainly the Cameron Diaz dancing scene.
Luke Wilson is pretty funny in the first one. Plus the guy who is Confessions of a Dangerous Mind was in
Charlie's Angels....not that's he's in the 2nd but I thought I'd mention it. No one should expect anything
ground breaking for this but it’ll be a decent popcorn flick. Another reason why this movie will be decent:
Bernie Mac. C'mon 'Merica, ya gotta like Bernie Mac.
[Final Rating: B]
Freddy vs. Jason (d: Ronny Yu) | 08.15.03
Crapfest.
[Final Rating: F]
The Hulk (d: Ang Lee) | 06.20.03
This could be the worst comic book movie of all time. Yes, that does include Shaquille O’Neal as Steel. What
are people thinking? I am not even going to get into how bad the CG Hulk looks. I thought that Jennifer Connelly might
be different and not suffer the Curse of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Alas, it was not meant to be. Is
the Hulk even that popular a character that would require a feature movie? Besides, I can't imagine anyone other
that Lou Ferrigno and his glorious purple pants playing the role of the surly green giant. I'll hedge my bets and
say that Ang Lee is a great director and if anyone could make this movie watchable, it's him.
[Final Rating: D+]
"Whoa."
The Matrix Reloaded (d: Wachowski Bros.) | 05.15.03
This will be the greatest movie this year. If you disagree then you either a) must be a girl, b) have not seen
the previews, c) have not seen the 1st Matrix. You know, when the first Matrix came out the preview showed
Keannu in sunglasses and I immediately thought "Why the hell would anyone make Johnny Mnemonic 2?" I was
completely blown away by the trailer and movie. This movie will set world records and set a new standard
for all action fight sequences.
[Final Rating: A+]
Rated ARRGHH
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (d: Gore Verbinski) | 07.09.03
I am giving this movie the highest rating for one reason alone: I can finally use the following joke...
"Have you heard of the new pirate movie coming out....It's rated AAARRRGGGHHH."
I don't care if this movie terrible, this joke is great and I will get mileage with it before the movie comes out,
when the movie comes out, and when it comes out on video. Seriously, funniest joke ever.
[Final Rating: A+]
Tomb Raider 2: The Curse of Billy Bob (d: Jan De Bont) | 07.25.03
The sequel to the 2001 disappointment pits Lara Croft against Billy Bob Thorton. Billy "Quasimoto" Bob is after
his precious Angelina and has discovered some ancient relic to get her. He has enlisted the help of a
hobbit and a wisecracking nun. Can Lara save the day with just her wits and her brother at her side? I have no
idea what the real movie is about but I have no intention of watching it. Did anyone make the unfortunate mistake
of seeing the first Tomb Raider? That movie was terrible and I think this movie will be just as bad. Angelina
Jolie is kind of scary and her acting isn’t all that spectacular.
[Final Rating: B (Fake Movie); D+ (Real Movie)]
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (d: Jonathon Mostow) | 07.02.03
You know it’s been forever since Terminator 2. I really liked it and want to see T3 but really am not
too excited about it. I think what I look forward to most is listening to Arnold during any type of interview. Ever since
Batman and Robin (aka the final nail in the Batman franchise) I am always amused by his antics. If
there is a T4, it should only be a series of interviews with Ahh-nold. Just imagine it...thick accent..."My movie
will be great, everyone keeps asking me when I am going to do another Terminator. A few even ask me when I am going
to do Junior 2. I tell them, both movies are right around the corner. I am a huge tool that could crush you."
[Final Rating: B+ (Movie); A+ (Arnold Rating)]
Rated X..er, PG13
X2 (d: Bryan Singer) | 05.02.03
All of the famous mutants are back. From the preview, I guess there will be lots of fighting, lots of mutants,
stuff about Wolverine’s past, some love triangles, and a major Halle Berry-Famke Jansen-Anna Paquin-Kelly Hu-
Rebecca Romeijn lesbian scene. Okay, so the last part is made up, but I think that would make an excellent
storyline for X3: XXX. I like the director’s previous works like Usual Suspects and X-Men but
Apt Pupil was pretty awful. Who cares, it'll be good.
[Final Rating: A-]
