Evil...Jessica Evil May 2, 2003
As I find myself with fewer and fewer hours of free time, I thought I would procrastinate and tell you about one of my many theories. This theory really didn’t develop until '93, and then wasn’t really refined until '97 and is as follows:

ALL GIRLS NAMED JESSICA ARE EVIL.

Think about the past or present and think about all your friends named Jessica. Are they evil? The answer is invariably "yes." If you believe the answer is "no," then you're not being honest.

Jessica Rabbit
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." Yeah, right"
Jessica Rabbit
Roger, Roger, Roger.  If only I had come up with my theory back in 1986 then Roger Rabbit may not have had to suffer.  In Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit is perfect example of an Evil Jessica: attractive, great body, good smile, evil.  Roger fell for her hard and fast and never looked back.  In the end, she caused him tons of grief and agony. Yeah, she married him in the end (i think), but I can just imagine her boiling Roger just so she can get at his millions. She’s the animated version of Anna Nicole.

Jessica Lovejoy
Simpsons episode 2F04: Bart’s Girlfriend. Bart's infatuation with the Reverend Lovejoy’s daughter is short-lived when she steals the church collection plate and he is blamed for the theft.  If only I had been animated and was able to enter the Springfield world. In the end, Bart is cleared of the collection plate theft, but that still doesn’t change the fact that Jessica Lovejoy is evil. Ironic since a Reverend has an evil daughter.  There are two quality lines that give a good perspective of Evil Jessica and those that like an Evil Jessica.

Jessica Lovejoy
"She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside"
Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married.  Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it.

Jessica: [coquettish] Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.
Bart: Well...don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned anything.
Jessica: Um, would you finish scrubbing these steps with me?
Bart: [enthusiastic] _Will_ I?
Boy: [riding up on bike] Hey, Jessica!
Jessica: Coming! [runs over to him; they ride off]
Bart: Poor sucker.  It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face! Not me, though. [sly] Wait till she sees the second-rate job I do on these stairs.

Those quotes are perfect examples of Evil Jessica's powers. Guys like them and will do just about anything for them.

You might say this is a cartoon and cartoons are often exaggerated or just a bunch of hilarious stuff thrown together. Well, let’s take a look at other Jessica characters.

Jessie Spano
"I'm so excited...I'm so EVIL!"
Jessie Spano
Jessica "Jessie" Myrtle Spano aka "Mama" according to Albert Clifford "A.C." Slater, the resident mulletted wrestler/football player and the key roadblock to Valley’s success over Bayside (except in Track or pranks, that roadblock was Zack).  I consider myself a Saved By The Bell expert.  Keep checking back for my "Top 10 Saved By The Bell Episodes" article. But I digress, back to Evil Jessica Spano.  She gave Slater a hard time when he didn’t like her.  She gave him a hard time when he did like her.  She gave him a hard time the entire time they were dating. She clearly has some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder (academics, clubs, dances, student council).  She can’t stand it when her friends (Zack & Screech) get better grades than her on standardized exams.  I could go on and on, but what does she bring to the table?  Nothing.  I don’t know what Slater ever saw in her...probably her future lap dancing capabilities.

Jessica King
Who is Jessica King you ask?  Katie Holmes plays her in the movie The Gift.  The Gift is a pretty decent movie.  A lot of actors in it break out of their type cast roles and do a great job. There are also a lot of well-known actors in smaller roles.  The story is suspenseful and the ending has a nice twist. It’s one of those movies that upon leaving the theater, you wouldn’t be upset that you paid $9 to see it, but in a couple years you’d easily forget about the movie...unless of course Katie Holmes is topless...which she is, which is why I still think about this movie. Holmes plays some debutante that mysteriously dies.  Turns out her husband kills her cause she’s a slut and cheats on him...with everyone. She’s a slut because she’s evil. She’s evil because her name is Jessica. The logical conclusion.

J.D. Fletcher (Courtesy of Ian)
a.k.a Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. Jessica was a "sassy senior, she was also the greatest murder solvers this world has ever seen. Perhaps she was evil since 22 times a year for 12 years someone died on an episode." Seriously, Ian brings up a great point. This girls solves all sorts of murders on a weekly basis but don't people see that it's dangerous to be around this girl. Sure she turning heads at the early bird special dinner and galavanting out on the town solving murders, but has anyone ever thought about the idea that she is just framing everyone so she gets recognition so her books will sell? The show should have been called Murders She Did.

You might be thinking that all of the above examples are just examples in the fictional universes, what about the real world? Well, get ready for the red pill...

I’ve known at least four girls named Jessica in my life and I can say that all are evil.  Since I can’t reveal their names, I’ll just give them other names.

High School Jessica
This girl is ridiculously good looking. She didn’t really blossom until the middle of high school which is when her dark powers really grew. Most guys liked her and although it’s tough for me to classify her as straight-up evil, In fact, she wasn't evil but just didn't realize what she was doing to guys. Still, the theory is all inclusive. It's not like murder vs. manslaughter where intent matters. Intent plays no part, so she's evil.

Loras Jessica
I have only talked to this girl once, maybe twice. We emailed a lot though our freshman year.  She went to Loras College in Iowa.  My friend Kyle was friends with her which is how I got to know her. Well, Jessica and I eventually stopped talking (email can only last so long) and during spring break when I saw Kyle I asked him about her.  His response, "Dude, that girl is such a bitch.  I think she’s evil." That’s when I let Kyle in on my little theory.  Apparently she had a boyfriend at home that she cheated on (with tons of people, including Kyle – go Kyle!) and she was a huge tease.  She also didn’t have much going on in the brain department.

Friend of Friend Jessica
This girl is the friend of a good friend of mine, Heidi.  Heidi introduced me to her and I immediately thought FOF-Jessica was hot.  Later, I asked about her and both Heidi and her boyfriend, Chris, said she was evil and told me a bunch of crazy stories about her. I can't remember any of them, but I do know that all the stories centered on her evilness. I am sorry I don’t have hard evidence to back this up, but I believe my friend.

Evil Jane (Jessica)
Ok...so I called my old roommate Tim and told him about this and he reminded me that this girl is not a Jessica and her name is actually Jane. This girl was so hot and so evil. Even though her name is Jane and not Jessica, I still thought I'd tell you about her, because in my mind she's the offspring of really bad spellers who thought "Jessica" was spelled "J-A-N-E." Well, what can I say?  Like Jessicas she was also stunning.  Brunette, petite, great smile, great body, she even seemed smart. But that brunette hair hid the horns growing from her forehead. Tim (best friend and old roommate), Huy (another friend), Ankur (another former roommate), and I all had a crush on this girl. I think Ankur may still like her. The four of us each liked her at different times. Tim first, and he warned Ankur that she was evil.  Next Ankur, he hid in his room so I don’t know if he even pursued her.  Tim warned Huy...Huy didn't listen. Tim warned me too when I saw her and I should have listened to him. This girl knew exactly how to use her looks.  She also always came off as very nice but was really evil.  She wasn’t psycho though; she knew exactly what she was doing.

Jessica Biel
"Hi, I'm evil, and your name?"
I have other example but these are the best ones. I have told others about my theory and they all agree with me.  It kind of sucks because a friend of mine is married to a Jessica and another friend's niece is named Jessica. My other buddy's ex-girlfriend was also a Jessica. There are probably celebrity examples as well: Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange.

But here’s the good news for guys and girls...

Guys: If you know a girl named Jessica, you know exactly what you’re getting into.  She’ll rip out your heart, then step on it, then spit on it, and during that time, you’ll be the one buying her the knife, the boots, and water.

Girls: If you’re name is Jessica, then embrace your evilness.  It’s not something that only happened the last twenty years.  Evil is in your nature so accept it and use it.  Get boys to do stuff for you and use them. Guys have been warned and if they are stupid enough to not run away immediately, then use their weakness to your advantage.

Shakespeare
"'Tis evil? No, 'tis Jessica."
Interesting fact: JESSICA f English; Pronounced: JES-i-ka
This name was first used in this form by Shakespeare in his play 'The Merchant of Venice', where it belongs to the daughter of Shylock. Shakespeare probably based it on the biblical name Iscah meaning "YAHWEH beholds" in Hebrew, a minor character in Genesis.

In Merchant of Venice, Jessica is ashamed of her father Shylock and isn’t loyal to him...evil. Shakespeare really knew what he was talking about.


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