My long battle with Congress and the Kraft Corporation has finally come to end.
I mean who the Hell do they think they are anyways letting their spokesjug walk around like that?
I know I wouldn't let anyone else hang out with kids if they weren't wearing
pants. Why shouldn't spokespersons be held to the same rule that all adults are held to?
They should, and in fact, all animated spokes-things should be fully clothed. I don't care if it's a talking car,
leprechaun,
fruit, or even a jug of fruit punch flavored water. Count Chocula and Frankenberry are wearing clothes.
Booberry isn't but he's a ghost so the pants probably
aren't necessary...and besides, he has a bowtie and hat and anyone with a bowtie and hat has to be fine right?
How can I go to sleep at night knowing that any fun loving kid will lose his innocence by simply walking into the fruit
juice aisle of a grocery store or by randomly watching commercials during a normal Saturday morning. The shocking,
gratuitous nudity of Kool Aid Guy could be witnessed by anyone of any age. I say "enough!" Who will think of the
children? Surely they cannot think for themselves.
Maybe someday Congress will learn
I may have won this battle, but make no mistake, the war is not over. As long as Toucan Sam, The Fruit of the Loom fruits,
the Michelin Man and any other spokespersons are walking around naked, I will be there, with picket signs and a megaphone.
Ok, hopefully by now everyone can tell that I'm joking. Man, what has the world come to? Kool Aid Guy was always fun. At
least he was funny, until some ad-wizard noticed that he was naked. It didn't matter that he was a jug or
pitcher. It didn't matter that he was an animated inanimate object (is that an oxymoron?). What does matter is that he
wasn't wearing any clothes. So what does an ad-exec decide to do to upgrade/descandalize the Kool Aid Guy? He throws some
khakis on him.
Now there are some inherent problems with this already. First, Kool Aid Guy is not thin, he's a full figured glass jug.
You would think that even if he had the best khakis, with all his running, he'd need a belt. Sadly, the ad agency was
ready to spend the green on chinos but not ready to cough up some more cash for a belt.
Now these guys knew the boundaries of spokesperson attire
Second, last I checked, khakis aren't made from the most absorbent material. I mean Kool Aid Guy is running around with
a body/head full of liquid. You would think a diaper, napkin, or even an apron would more appropriate. At least those
things will take care of the mess he would make in case he broke.
Now it's clear that khakis weren't chosen for their utility. They were probably just chosen to cover up Kool Aid Guy considering
he's hanging around kids without any pants. But see, I don't think this is a problem. Why? Well, I am going to let you in on a
little secret. Now don't tell anyone. Kool Aid Guy, although a man, is still a glass pitcher. But even more shocking,
he doesn't have a penis...or balls! I know, jaw-dropping right? Imagine if Kool
Aid Guy were actually Kool Aid Gal, she'd be wearing capris and bra right now.
Oh well, at least those Madison Avenue fat cats have protected kids all over from the obscenity of Kool Aid Guy.
Hours later.
Wanted for lewd behavior
So. I checked the Kool Aid website to find pictures of Kool Aid Guy (pre and post pants). When the page loads,
a sound byte of Kool Aid guy saying, "Oh Yeah" plays...over and over. It is very disturbing, like, "stay away from my kids"
disturbing. Seriously listen: kool aid. Maybe the
ad-wizard wasn't so wrong to throw some pants on Kool Aid Guy after all.
Also, I couldn't find any pictures of Kool Aid Guy in khakis (only jeans) but trust me, watch the commercials, he's
wearing khakis.
