The Art of Walking

April 11, 2004

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	Oh Nancy, boots, although hot, are not useful for a daily commute

Walking. Most people do it every day. It's pretty easy right? Wrong. Shitloads of people cannot walk correctly. I don't know when this started to bother me, probably some time in high school just because I can't remember it ever bothering me before. But, ever since I've worked in the city, my tolerance for bad walkers decreases with every step.

First of all, I am a kick ass walker. I am quick but not too quick. I know where I want to go, the time (on average) that it will take me to get there, and above all, I am flexible. I can sidestep landmines and forsee lights changing; I am a Jedi of walking.

Most of the everyday people that I see are not. Luckily, as my walking skills progress, these same people hinder me less and less. But, at times, even they get the better of me.

Just the other day I was walking down the street and had to cross a major intersection. There were about three people in front of me and as I was approaching the street, the walking signal changed from the white "walker" to the red "warning hand." Now, as a Jedi Walker, I knew the "don't walk" signal flashes for at least 8 seconds. Plus, I knew that even when the traffic light changed to green, the people making a right turn had the right-of-way which added another 10 seconds of time with which to cross the street. I know this because I am a kick ass walker. I sidestepped the GSMs (goon squad members) and went on my way. Jay 1, Pedestrians 0.

	My daily battle ground. Pedestrians, come out to play.

Oh but sadly, the Pedestrians would come back from behind. Using a standard strategy of distraction: some hot girl crossed my path. She really wasn't that attractive, but attractive enough that I looked. And that was my downfall, for as I turned my head, some GSM stepped in front of me, stopped and looked at the street signs, no doubtedly thinking to himself, "oh gee willickers, what street am I on?" I didn't run into the GSM and was able to go around him, but I still consider this a loss. Jay 1, Pedestrians 1. By the time I got to my building, the score stayed tied.

Most people can walk, but not well. I would venture to say that about 90% of the people can't walk correctly. If you live or work in any major city, you may think that's a little low. I think other people deal with this kind of shit all the time so I've categorized the types of walkers that I've come across. I'm sure most of you can relate, so here they are in order of annoyingness (Least Annoying to Most Annoying):

2 Fast 2 Furious
These are people that walk too fast. Most of the time these people aren't bad. In fact, some of the time they are even amusing because they are walking far faster than they probably need to. If someone has to walk this fast, they should just take a cab or bite the bullet and run, they're not fooling anyone.

	Tugboat Crossing: 32 seconds to cross a street

2 Slow 2 Slurious a.k.a Tugboat
These people are on the other end of the 2F2F spectrum, they walk too slow. They are annoying but at least they are easy to spot and can therefore be easily avoided and, as a result, rank low on the annoying scale. There are two types Tugboats: ones that purposefully move slow and ones that just cannot move any faster. Still, both are avoidable.

Tourist (Style A)
These are people that are clearly not from the area. Maybe they're from a small town and it's their first trip to the big city. Maybe they are from out of the country and this is their first time in the U.S. In Chicago, most all are on Michigan Avenue. Tourist A people are also easily spotted (look for the lost eyes and handful of shopping bags) and at times can be avoided. In heavy shopping districts (Michigan Avenue) they are not easily avoided but a) as a Jedi Walker I know that going into the area and b) since they are so excited to be in a great city, I excuse them.

	These guys were rock stars and they even knew that you had to walk in a straight line

Tourist (Style B)
These people are from the city or the suburbs but clearly have never seen skyscrapers or know anything about the city. I have limited tolerance for these people. They really need to get their act together. I don't mind if they walk during off-peak hours, but somehow, there is always a handful that decide to walk during the morning rush hour or afternoon lunch hour. Unacceptable.

Deer (in Headlights)
Similar to deer when they caught in headlights, these people just immediately shut down if anything out of the ordinary is happening. Hear a siren, they stop. Some sort of rally, they stop. Some street performer, they stop. It's ridiculous. Even if something major is going on, I can look at it and continue at my original pace and not fuck up other people. Not Deer though. These people are not easy to spot but at least they can be somewhat avoided by staying clear of anything that draws crowd.

British
This doesn't refer to actual British people but towards a major characteristic of Britain, namely, driving on the left side of the road. Everyone should walk on same side of the sidewalk as drivers are forced to drive on. Quick S.A.T. question: In the U.S., driving is to right as walking is to _____? the answer is "right." If I am in Britain, I will walk on the left side of the sidewalk, because when in Rome and all that jazz. The British walkers (regardless of where they come from) consistenly walk on the wrong side of the road. Bastards, but at least they can be spotted and avoided.

	Don't be afraid to throw this GSM an elbow

Single-Tasker (or Signal-Taskers)
These people would probably be considered okay walkers except for the fact that they cannot walk and do anything else at the same time. Typically these people are distracted with a phone call (hence Signal Taskers) and cannot walk and use their cell phone simutaneously. It's not limited to a cell phone though. They be trying to catch a cab, smell fresh donuts, be thinking about an upcoming high school reunion, looking at a new store front window; it doesn't matter. If push came to shove, I could probably walk, draw a picture, talk on my cell phone, and window shop without missing a step. I can do this. I am a Jedi Walker. Since most S-Taskers downfall is their cell phone at least they can be spotted and avoided.

OK. The next types of walkers are the ones I hate the most. They are all tied for being the most annoying.

	If only everyone that carried an umbrella would fly away

Mary Poppins
God Bless the Mary Poppins and her babysitting ways. I would easily support a fund where she would teach people about umbrella etiquette. Luckily, these people only come out when it rains, but they come out with a vengeance. Mary Poppinses are dubbed so because of their incompetence with umbrellas. Some will carry ridiculously huge golf umbrellas which could easily fit a family of five underneath. Others will carry normal umbrellas but somehow they think this makes them oblivious to people around them and they go around poking people with the umbrella spokes. Fuckers. One time I could see a Mary Poppins right in front of me and since I had my umbrella I just pointed the point towards him forcing him to move. Sure I got a little wet, but it was worth it. Damn do I hate them.

Race Horse
Don't let the name fool you. These people aren't guaranteed to be fast. In fact, they aren't that bad at walking but they all have blinders on just like race horses. Race Horses can only see in front of them. Similarly, these people do not have any peripheral vision. Sure they walk at good pace but if they need to switch lanes they will easily cut off other walkers. It takes half a second to see if you're going to cut someone off. If they were switching lanes while driving they would definitely check their blind spot, they should do the same when walking. I hate them. Fuckers.

	"I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse, or Monald Muck."

Drunkys
These people seem like they are drunk. They cannot walk a straight line at all. They constantly sway withing a 3 foot boundary and without rhyme or reason so there is no telling when they will cut you off. These people would fail the "walk the straight line" field sobriety test when they are sober, imagine how much they would fuck it up when they were actually drunk. How fucking hard is it to walk straight? It's not damn it. I hate them.

Couples
These aren't couples in the ordinary sense. In fact, many times there can be more than two. Three, four, it doesn't matter. What I hate about these people is there inability to walk in front of one another. As cool as the "slo-mo guys walking next to one another" scene is in movies, it's utterly impractical in heavy traffic areas. Couples do not understand this. Regardless of the width restriction of the sidewalk, Couples will always walk next to each other. Fuckers. I hate them.

	Although this looks cool in movies, it's not the most efficient or considerate way to walk

Now that these roadblocks have been identified I'll give some advice to fellow Jedi Walkers:

Rule #1:
Avoiding is the best solution. These people cannot be stopped so the best solution is to avoid them whenever possible. Take back routes, walk during off hours, whatever, just avoid the nonsense.

Rule #1A:
Stay away from airports. 99.5% of the people in airports fit into the categories above. Take that, coupled with the fact that they are carrying luggage, and it's a disaster. If aliens ever came to Earth and judged our intellect based on people at the airport, they would conclude that the human race has suffered from some disease that ravaged brain cells and motor skills.

	Jedi Skywalker, not to be confused with a Jedi Walker

Rule #1B:
Stay away from shopping and tourist areas. If you do need to go, go early in the morning when you can reduce the impact of these idiot walkers. I don't think more needs to be said about this.

Rule #2:
Do not be afraid to throw an elbow. If a Couple is walking towards you, don't be afraid to split them up with an elbow. Drunky or Single-Tasker in your way? Throw an elbow. British coming towards you? Throw an elbow.

Rule #3:
If you're morally against the elbow, just throw a verbal elbow: "Learn how to walk," "Watch if fuckhead," "Outta the way tugboat." They all work.

Sadly, these type of walkers will always be around....bothering me. I don't think there's any way to teach the rules of walking to every GSM on the planet. But until then, follow the above rules and to paraphrase what Teddy Roosevelt said, "walk softly and carry a big stick."

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