jayble's stable | Garden State of Mind

Garden State of Mind

September 12, 2004

I recently saw Garden State, Zach Braff's writing and directorial debut.

There have been very few movies that I've seen that I can really relate to on a personal level. There are movies that I've felt very strongly about or that have invoked certain emotions in me, but ones where I actually feel connected to a character are few and very far between.

Garden State is one of these movies. A movie that will probably speak to countless number of people in many different ways.

I related to Andrew Largeman (Braff's character). A guy who's been on some sort of mood altering medication since he was 10 years old. A man who goes home to attend his mother's funeral and chooses to stop taking any medication on this trip. He's been taking the medication in order to feel, and only really begins to once he stops taking the drugs. I won't go into any more details about the movie but if you haven't seen it, I HIGHLY recommend it.

Now I've never been on any type of prescription medication but I easily relate to Largeman. Largeman has been going through life as what I would describe as "Dead Inside Syndrome" (D.I.S) and what another friend describes as "Emotional Robotism" (E.R). One way to think of D.I.S/E.R is to imagine going through *life* in this permanent numbness. This is the state that I'm in right now and only time well tell if it's permanent or transitory. Although, this numbness is specifically related to girls.


	"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

I have a lot of friends who I love very much and there are things that I'm passionate about but it seems like it's just become all too routine. Routine to the point where I don't even have to think about what I'm doing, just going through the motions in order to get to the next set of motions. It's gotten to the point where I just don't have the energy and interest to feel strongly about any girl anymore. A state of emotional ambivalence. The thing that makes this unique is that it's not depression or loneliness, it's just a state of apathy. The feelings I have for my close friends have not diminished by any means either. My friend who feels the same way said it best, it's just SURPRISING that I (we've) realized this. Neither one of us walk around complaining about this and I think that I am generally a very optimistic person. This is not something I am really trying to change or get over, it's just something that is.

I have about 25 close friends, of which a handful (~3) are single and the others are all are married or in long term relationships. Of these three close friends, I think at least two will be married or in a long term relationship within the next year. That is the type of person that they are, easily getting into relationships and caring deeply about whomever they are dating. It all comes very easy for them or it seems to come easy for them.

The last time I dated anyone I really liked was six years ago. The last time I really liked any girl was four years ago. Since then, there hasn't been a single girl that I've really liked. I've been very ambivalent about the girls I've dated in the last four years. I think I've turned into a girl's worst nightmare (at least one of them) when it comes to dating: a guy that that will never have any strong feelings toward her.

Sometimes I think this is the end result of 18 years of unrequited crushes. I used to always think that I'd never find anyone because the girl would not give me a chance and now I think I won't find a girl because of this slow deadening of my emotions (actually, probably a little of both). This may be a phase or transition, but I couldn't say with any certainly or hope which one.


	"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."

There is this line the Plain White Ts' song "What If" that goes "What if all the girls that like me are not the kind of girls that I like." That line really sums up a majority of my dating history (but that probably has more to do with the fact that i was too shy and had very low self esteem which was probably very transparent).

The few friends I've talked to about this all seem to think it's just something I'm going through and that I will find some girl that does invoke these awesome emotions within me. They say that when I meet a girl, I will know. I am reluctant to believe them. I don't think it's pessimistic. I think I just know myself better than others know me.

This D.I.S/E.R feeling is pretty interesting. As far as I know, this feeling isn't something that can be changed. In fact I don't even know if it's something that I really care about if it does change or not. Maybe the fact that I don't care is just more proof of this emotional ambivalence. I don't think there is a "better" or "worse" when you have this feeling 'cause trust me, it's not bad and it's not good, like I said before, it just is.

For those who are dating someone, this can seem pretty bleak or pessimistic (insert synonym here) but it's really not. It's also not as if I've stopped trying to date or meet people because I've come to this realization. I continue to go out all the time and if I see some girl I am interested in , I will approach them and get to know them. It's just that lately my feelings for them will eventually hit a ceiling. Maybe one day I will meet a girl where this emotional roadblock won't exist. I don't think anyone in a strong relationship could really understand what this feels like. The idea of a person not having strong feelings for someone else is probably very alien to people in long term relationships or those that are married.


	"Hey Albert? Good luck exploring the infinite abyss." "Thanks. Hey, you too."

This is also different than the person that feels like they won't ever find a girl/guy to date. In D.I.S/E.R I think the biggest fear is that you will meet a great person but you just won't care enough about them. I think the standard argument against this is, "Well, if you don't care enough about her then obviously she wasn't the one you should have married," but I think that argument is just too easy. It's a way of hindsight making everything seem better than it could/should be. Maybe this type of response is just a way of coping. I'll give you two examples:

Example 1:
Ever ask a married person when they knew their spouse was "the one?" The majority will answer, "At first sight," or something along those lines. I think that's easy to say once you're already married. If you asked the same person during week one of the relationship, I doubt the answer would be as storybook. That's also why a person that is single could/would never say that about a person they were not with, because they have to cling to the hope that there is another person out there that they SHOULD be with.

Example 2:
I have this friend that was married and is now divorced. The two families did not interact that much with one another during the reception and there was little interaction between the groomsmen and the bridesmaids. Since the two are divorced it's very easy to say, "Well, maybe it was obvious since their ceremony was very segregated." But, if the two were married, everyone would say, "See, even though the reception was very segregated, it just goes to show you that you can blah blah blah." See? Hindsight will always fit the occasion.


	"I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real."

I have these two friends that are both very similar and very different in a lot of way. They are almost extremes of each other in some ways. These two are constantly in relationships. They get into them so easily. One gets hit on all the time and I am actually impressed by the amount of girls he turns away. One thing that's very unique about these two though is the length of their relationships. If they date a girl for a day, they will date her for at least a year. They are the only two people I know that will get into one-night stands that last twelve months. I have never dated a girl longer than nine months (and that was on and off) and I think if I ever did date a girl for a year, I would marry her. Every time I see or hang out with these two friends though, part of me wonders how they could date a girl that long when they don't have strong feelings for her. Then, there is another part of me that wishes I could that. These two will date the girls even though they don't have that strong of feelings for them because each hopes that those feelings will become stronger, although it rarely does. I know I've never done that...well, not for that long anyways. Once I lose the little interest I have in the girls I date, things end fairly quickly.

One girl I know accused me of losing interest only after the girl shows interest in me. I don't really don't think that true. I hope that's not true.


	"You changed my life, and I've known you four days."

Maybe D.I.S/E.R has something to do with a closeness/commitment issue. In the past year I noticed that I only get close to girls I have no interest in or ones that are safe because there is no way I could date them (e.g. best friend's girlfriends).

Somewhere this went from some resemblance of an article to just me rambling.

OK so back on track...


	"I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

I don't know if there really is a point to this entire article. I mean I know there is at least one other person that feels the same way I do which I actually never expected. Maybe there are others out there too, I'm sure there are. I'm sure that when Zach Braff was writing Garden State he expected different people to relate to different characters in different ways. This is just the way I happened to relate to his main character. What I used to called Dead Insides Syndrome or Emotion Robotism (D.I.S/E.R.) I now call a Garden State of Mind (that sounds much classier anyways).

I don't know if the rumors about Braff writing a sequel to Garden State are true. I also don't know if there will be a sequel to my Garden State of Mind. If there is, I will let you know.