Dear Abby Jayble

January 19, 2005

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I'm sure that every newspaper has some sort of advice columnist. Have you ever read them and thought that you could give a better (or at least funnier) response? I know I have. Therefore, I decided to take letters sent to Dear Abby of the Chicago Tribune and answer them myself. Hopefully the authors will find my answer and take my advice.

	Girls love bad boys

January 2, 2005
DEAR ABBY: I may have started a war with my neighbors. About two months ago, their son, "Ricky," smashed a brick on my van while it was parked in my driveway. The damage was estimated at more than $500. I asked Ricky's parents to pay for it because I had paid them $100 a few months before, after I accidentally ran over Ricky's bike in the driveway. They didn't have to ask for the money -- I volunteered it. When I told my neighbors about the damage, they refused to pay, saying my daughter had gotten their boy upset over a ball game they were playing. They said I should take them to court -- so that's exactly what I'm doing. After they were served with the court papers, they called my boss and complained that I had cut them off while driving my company vehicle, a school bus. It was an outright lie. Things are starting to get out of hand. Am I wrong for wanting my van fixed? -- FRUSTRATED IN CANADA

Dear Frustrated: Are you really Canadian? You and your neighbors seem pretty aggressive for being Canadian. Forget about suing, get the $500 back through your own vandalism to their property. That may not be the adult thing to do, but it's definitely the fun thing to do. Seriously, are you Canadian? Also, now that their son is a bad-boy, be prepared for your daughter to like him more. From my experience, girls like bad boys.

	"You are suffering from hibernation sickness...and buyer's remorse."

January 3, 2005
DEAR ABBY: For the past year, every time I visit my parents, my mother has commented on items in their home that she wants to go to specific family members after she and Dad are gone. My siblings and I don't always get along, and I'm afraid that after our parents pass on, there will be a nasty battle over who gets what. I have suggested to Mom that she write this all down, but she refuses. She keeps insisting, "You'll remember this." Should I help my parents write down their wishes? Also, is it inappropriate to make them aware of what antiques or items I would like to have? It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN MIDDLETOWN, N.J.

Dear Dutiful: Make no mistake, you are not that dutiful. Bottom line is that you want your parents stuff and now's your chance. Bad mouth your siblings and take all that you can get. Keep what you want and ebay the rest. People will buy anything on ebay. My $1,000 70"x30"x10" carbonite Han Solo made entirely of lego pieces proves that.

	Edna dated Comic Book Guy to get Skinner out of his mother's grasp

January 5, 2005
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Richard" for three years. I am 27 and he is 25. We have talked about settling down for quite a while now. A month ago, Richard asked me to marry him. We have looked at engagement rings in the past, and he knows my taste. However, he decided it would only be right to let his parents know about his decision. His mother, "Irene," asked him how much he planned to spend for a ring. He told her $2,000 to $3,000, and she said that was too much money. She added that he should buy me something little now, and in a few years, he could buy me something nicer. Abby, I don't feel this should be Irene's decision to make. Richard earns good money. This would not break the bank for him, believe me. I am doubly upset because Richard has decided to take his mother's advice. Irene is always interfering, demanding to know what's happening with us. She says that he's the "man" and needs to act like it. She told him he "shouldn't let a woman control him." Irene even has our wedding planned for us. Richard is a grown man, and I feel he should tell his mother nicely, "I appreciate your advice, but please realize this is still my decision to make." Am I being unreasonable? I'm afraid that if we are married, Irene will be a constant interference. -- LOST IN NEW YORK

	Worst. Jaybles. Ever.

Dear Lost: I honestly lost interest in your letter as it is way to long. Whether Richard listens to you or his mother he's letting a woman control him. Shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it? Also, I think you are greedy. Actually, you sound very similar to Ms. Edna Krabapple. She's always mad at Principal Skinner for letting his mom control him. She dated Comic Book Guy to get back at Skinner. Maybe you should try dating Comic Book Guy.

DEAR ABBY: I know alcoholism and substance abuse are diseases, but how long is a wife supposed to stick around, forgive backsliding, and try to pick up the pieces? Is it better to stay for the children's sake, or to leave for their sake? I don't want my kids to think that being drunk and stoned every day is acceptable. My husband lives for today; I live for the future. He tells me I'm a terrible person for not abiding by the "for better or for worse." I keep asking him, "Where is the better?" After 14 years, all I have been left with is worse and worst. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTS TO LEAVE IN NEW JERSEY

	"Been dazed and confused for so long, it’s not true."

Dear Wants: Teaching kids that being drunk and stoned every day is one of the most important lessons they will ever learn. Start early. It sounds like your husband is already ahead of the game, learn from him. Consider drinking earlier in the day and lighting up at all hours.

January 8, 2005
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a very special man named "Josh" for three years. He has had only one long-term relationship, which produced two children. My problem is Josh does not believe in marriage. I do not believe in living with someone, and I do believe in marriage. I have asked Josh for a commitment on several occasions, and I always get a negative response. Am I being strung along, and what should I do? -- DOWNHEARTED IN OHIO

Dear Downhearted: Is he really that special if you don't know his last name? Since you put his name in quotation marks, I'm assuming that you are not sure what his name is? Perhaps he would be willing to committ if you took the time to learn it.

	It will be worse when they find out Santa was a lie

DEAR ABBY: I have a 2-year-old son who is scared to death of getting his hair cut. In the past, I have done it with electric clippers on the advice of my wife's hairstylist. Hearing a small child cry and scream is the worst experience in the world. I got so upset the last time that I told my wife I refuse to cut his hair again, because it is so hard on both of us. I suggested we wait until he is older to take him to the barber. My wife insists that I cut his hair because it is "plucking on her nerves." I feel it's too soon and not worth the terror he goes through. Should I stand my ground, or am I too soft-hearted? -- WORRIED DAD IN MISSISSIPPI

Dear Dad: Your son probably just scared to death of getting his hair cut by you. Most likely you clipped an ear at some point. If it's not you and it is haircuts in general, then make up a Hair Fairy, similar to the Tooth Fairy. He will be pulling out his hair in no time. Lying about the Hair Fairy will be no worse then your lies about Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and where babies comes from.

	LL dropped out of high school and he did all right

DEAR ABBY: I was invited to my high school reunion, and I really want to go -- but I didn't graduate with my class. What is the proper thing to do? Should I go or just stay home? -- WANTS TO GO IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Wants: If you didn't graduate and you go, then be prepared for constants stares, jeers, and snickering. If you've done well and are rich, then by all means go and use the phrase, "I didn't even graduate and I'm doing better than you, suckers."

January 9, 2005
DEAR ABBY: How does one deal with a nosy neighbor? "Miss Nosy" looks through my mail, and I caught her red-handed with a former neighbor's mail, which she had opened, read and apparently hoarded. I didn't confront her because I had just moved next door and didn't want to start a feud. Miss Nosy claims she goes into my mailbox to make sure our postman hasn't accidentally put something for her in there. Doesn't she know that if he did, I'd give it to her? If someone comes to my door, Miss Nosy calls and demands to know who it is and as much about his or her life history as I'm willing to share. She also asks me questions that are far too personal. She is elderly, but I don't think that's a valid excuse for her behavior. Renting a P.O. box would be inconvenient. I'm considering replacing my mailbox with one that locks so that only I can get my mail out. Miss Nosy may pout about it, but surely she would get the hint. Any suggestions? -- INVADED IN TENNESSEE

	Gwen probably had a lot of guy-friends and Gavin didn't mind.

Dear Invaded: I suggest you pull some clever pranks on her so you will get the last laugh. Please feel free to use any of the following options: (a) super glue on letters or the mail-box handle (b) severe beating (c) a letter to her, in your mailbox, notifying her that her children hate her, she is dying, a fortune in alaska, etc. (use your imagination) (d) dog poop her mailbox (e) snakes or other venomous or attack-prone animals in your mailbox. These should prevent future indiscretions, or at least make for a good laugh. As a bonus, videotape her and play at parties or send to a Funniest Videos show to win $10,000.

January 12, 2005
DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost two years and am having problems with my wife's male friends. She has never had a lot of female friends, and she has had physical relationships with some of her male friends in the past. We have had several arguments over her relationships with these men and my inability to trust them. I agree with her on that point; however, I would feel awkward if she confided in a male friend if she and I ever got into a tiff. I am really troubled by this. I believe it opens a window of opportunity for the guy to make advances when she's at a low point. I recently was forwarded an e-mail from one of her male friends that referred to her as "Sweetie" and "Puddin' Pop." Is that right? Should I confront her on this? What should I do? -- UNEASY IN MILWAUKEE

Dear Uneasy: You probably feel that your wife confiding in others leads to an opening because that is what you would do if put in the same position. You are a dog. How could you do that to a married woman?

	Even Wyatt and Gary knew that girls would have ex-boyfriends.

DEAR ABBY: I have met the woman of my dreams, the one who was made just for me, and the one I was made for. I am 29 and shy by nature. Before meeting "Jane," I never had a long-term relationship. Nothing lasted more than two dates. I never took the chance because I was afraid of getting hurt. Jane, on the other hand, is the opposite. She has had boyfriends since the age of 13. We are both having trouble forgetting the past. Although I know Jane loves me and her ex's mean nothing to her now, she still mentions their names in passing every so often. She still has photos of them, old letters, gifts, etc. It's a constant reminder of her past, and of mine, which was alone and depressed. Just thinking about Jane in another man's arms, and how alone I was, tears me up inside. Why does she have these old things if I am supposed to be her true love? She never speaks of them with longing, but her talking about them at all is hurtful to me. How can I get past her past and move on with the present? -- WANTS NO REMINDERS

Dear Wants: If you don't want your significant other to speak about an ex (or ex-es) then perhaps you should begin dating a mute. But be careful, if she knows sign language, she may try to sign about ex-es. So maybe a mute with no arms or hands. Wait, then she might blink in morse code about her ex-es, so shoot for a mute, no-arms, and no eyes (or eye-lids). If this doesn't appeal to you, grow up and realize that most people aren't losers like you and will have an ex.

	A picture of Furious George for no reason other than I like monkeys and I couldn't find a picture to go with this letter

January 13, 2005
DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Quito, Ecuador" complained that when she says, "I love you," her boyfriend's response is, "I love you more." She asked what made him feel he had to "best" her in this. Please let her know it's possible he's only repeating an endearment that means, "My love for you is so immense it has no bounds." I'd bet my next paycheck that the young man has no intention of trying to "top" her, but instead feels he's giving her the highest compliment he can. -- RUTH IN BRANDON, MISS.

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" should listen to her instincts. If her boyfriend feels the need to compete with her and "win" in other areas, too, it could be a warning sign of a potential abuser. When I was a domestic violence advocate, this was one of the "little" signs we told clients to watch out for. -- SHERRI IN WEST VIRGINIA

Dear Ruth and Sherri: You are wrong. The person that says "I love you more" really loves the other person more and therfore, wins. The person who just said "I love you" loses and should feel guilty for not loving the other person more.

	"Three simple words, 'I am gay'"

January 14, 2005
DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed to admit this, but after 20 years of marriage, my husband told me that he was meant to have a woman's body. My self-confidence is destroyed. Our children are suffering in every aspect of their lives. I cannot grasp my husband's revelation, as I love him still. I also accept that this is something I cannot change, but ever since we separated, the men I have dated have all turned out to be gay. Is it me? Am I cursed? Or do I curse others? -- DEVASTATED IN DETROIT

Dear Devasated: Yes, I can only think of two possible explanations. You are either a) as you said, cursed and turn others gay or b) ugly and these people are using the "I am gay" excuse to get rid of you. Good news though, if it's the former then you can either start to date gay guys with the hopes/expectations of turning them straight or become and "Outer," a person who forces others to come out. There are probably thousands of people that could use your services.

	Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time. Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking.

DEAR ABBY: I am in college, and four out of five of my roommates smoke. About two-thirds of my friends are smokers, too. They all know it's bad for them, but it is hard to quit. I see cigarette packs and lighters lying around and I am very tempted to start smoking. I don't know why, because I know it's unhealthy. I have never smoked, but I'm afraid that I'll start soon. How can I make the right decision? -- NAIL-BITING IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

Dear Nail-Biting: That's great that you were admitted to college at such an early age. I am not sure, but I am guessing you are around 10 years old since you are using the "All my friends are doing it so why shouldn't I" argument. Interesting argument since as a child prodigy you should be smarter. If you are the normal age for being in college then I'd expect a better argument, otherwise you are just dumb, in which case, light up since obviously this will be as good as it gets for you.

	On the next Blossom...teen pregnancy

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and the mother of a beautiful little boy. His father is no longer in the picture. There is a man in my life who loves my son and me very much. I'll call him Joe. Joe and I have been together for eight incredible months, and he recently proposed to me. One week later, I caught him cheating on me. I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do. Joe told me how sorry he was and begged me to give him another chance. I agreed. But, Abby, things don't seem the same anymore. It feels like I'm the only one trying in this relationship. I realize I also have to consider my son. Was I wrong to give him a second chance? -- CONFUSED IN RENO, NEV.

Dear Confused: Wow, making lifelong decisions after being with a guy for 8 months huh? Hmmm, last I checked that's how you ended up a mother at 16.

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