jayble's stable | Myth #11: Punch Your Own Weight

Myth #11: Punch Your Own Weight

July 5, 2005


	What I really learned from the Charlie Debacle is that you gotta punch your weight. Charlie was out of my class: too pretty, too smart, too witty, too much. What am I? Average. A middleweight. Not the smartest guy in the world, but certainly not the dumbest.

Have you heard the phrase, "Punch Your Own Weight?" The phrase is used in High Fidelity (but I'm sure it's been around long before that) and stems from boxing. From my friend's friend (who I will call Apollo):

"A featherweight would never fight a heavyweight because no matter how good the featherweight is, he'll get killed by the heavyweight. Same goes for dating. You've got to realize where you fit in and then go after those in your class. If you're a featherweight there's no sense in trying to impress girls who are heavyweight material. You have to punch your weight. Once a guy figures out what weight class he's in, he'll be much more successful in attracting girls because he'll be aiming toward those who are in his class to begin with."

And from my friend (who I will call Rocky):

"Punching your own weight: Don't date anyone a lot better looking or a lot worse looking. This is because if they are a lot better looking, then you will likely be a little paranoid about losing them, and for good reason. If you are a lot better looking, then you will be more likely to have a wandering eye (that 'what if'), that eventually ruins the relationship (this of course does not apply when you are rich)."

In an email, Rocky continued to say:

"I know [Apollo] doesnt care if it is superficial, and neither do I. It works because lots of people are superficial, especialy girls. It's why being a nice guy isnt enough. Its just the reality of things and the numbers will play out that way. I've got like a 1/100 shot of a girl in another class vs. like a 5/10 of one in my class. Plus its all about being on the same page, I would only feel comfortable with someone I can relate to, someone who has had some similiar experiences as me. If you think because I think people are superficial, then I am too, then your answer is yes. But mostly this about not wasting my time, chasing after the available hottie in the convertable benz. Yeah, things could work out, but the conditions would have to be perfect, and it'd be like a one in a thousand shot. Kinda like a middle-weight fighting a fly-weight."


	If Adrian followed PYOW she may have never gotten to know Rocky

I really don't like the Punch Your Own Weight (PYOW) theory and I definitely don't believe in it. It is mostly featherweights that subscribe to this theory. These are the same people who always claim they are not superficial, yet this theory is about as superficial as you can get. First, people that believe in PYOW do not use this theory after they know a girl; it's typically used to exclude girls before they even get to know them. PYOW rates people solely on looks and doesn't factor in any other attributes like personality or interests. All these featherweights at one time or another probably uttered some phrase like, "If she only got to know me" because some girl rejected them outright, but by subscribing to this theory, it's no better. Excluding someone because they are "too" good looking is worse

I don't think Rocky's "being a nice guy isn't enough," statement is relevant. A girl in any category could/would treat nice guys like garbage and I don't think any one group is better or worse than another. There will always be girls (and guys) that will treat people like crap. Rocky is superficial by believing in PYOW and that is completely independant of the superficiality of others. If everyone else was not superficial, Rocky still would be by adhering to PYOW.


	Have you met my friend Uncle Paulie?

Rocky's argument ("hottie in a convertible benz") is very typical of a person that believes in the PYOW. They can only use the most extreme situations as examples. In the real world there is rarely, if ever, a case where you can tell almost everything you need to know about a person by looking at them, and the reasons you don't chase after them have very little to do with looks, but more what those looks imply. If I see a ridiculously hot girl dressed in club gear, I will assume that she is a "club girl" and I'll be less likely to talk to her as opposed to another girl who is as ridiculously hot but at a Cubs game. I think that type of selection is normal with everyone, but I think there is a fine line between that and Punching Your Own Weight. If you believe in PYOW then you wouldn't even go after the girl at the Cubs game because she is "too" good looking.

Another reason I don't like PYOW is because everyone everyone has different tastes. If you think you are a 4 and you see a girl who you perceive to be a 9, PYOW dicates you don't try to date the girl. But what PYOW doesn't factor is that the girl may think she's only a 7 and she may think you are a 5, all of a sudden the degree of separation is much less. Another friend also made a good point about differences between guys and girls saying that guys care more about looks than girls. I completely agree with this. How many times have you been out and seen a comically mismatched couple walking around (which typically involves a hot girl and and less than attractive guy)? There are so many times when you think, "How did he end up with a girl like that?" The reason: he tried and she saw something she liked. Why exclude someone that won't necessarily exclude you?


	"'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance."

I think that Rocky, Apollo, and anyone else that believes in this theory is using this theory as a crutch (or excuse) why they won't go after girls they are attracted to. In another email from Apollo, he said, "For instance, as pretty as [Adrian] is, you never saw me thinking I had any sort of legitimate shot at her." I was seriously surprised when I read this because Apollo must have some major self esteem issues. If he thought that he and Adrian were not a good match for another reason (personality, different goals in a relationship, she was a coworker, etc.) it would have been okay, but he boiled PYOW down to one aspect, looks. It didn't matter how much Apollo knew Adrian or vice versa, all that mattered in PYOW is that Apollo wasn't as good looking as Adrian and therefore should not have even tried to go after her. I should have probably called this guy Uncle Paulie instead of Apollo since I think he has low self esteem. If you know a person well and are interested in dating them, "too good looking" is not a valid reason not to try. In this case, Adrian may have rejected Apollo or she may have not, but Apollo will never know.

[sidebar: i never thought i'd be discussing relationships using Apollo, Rocky, and Adrian as examples even if it is just as names]

I think there are only two ways that PYOW would work. I think it makes sense if you incorporate all aspects of the person (e.g. looks, personality, interests). All factors of a person are important when you date them, and if you go back to the rating scale, the composite score of a person needs to match or be close to your own. If I meet an ultra hot girl and she does not like music or movies and isn't interested in politics and doesn't care to read or travel - I would be surprised if it lasted a week and it sure wouldn't be anything long term. But here's the thing, I would only come to this realization because I took the time to get to know more about her, I didn't just write her off because she was too good looking. One of my friends is dating a really great, super nice, really hot girl, but if she's not smart enough for him, then it won't last, regardless of the other qualities. But again, this goes back to taking the time to know a person, even a little, before you decide they are not right. Apollo and Rocky would not do that - by believing in PYOW they would not go after a girl that was better looking than them.


	"No one is TOO good looking for the real Apollo!"

The second way that PYOW works is at the other end of the spectrum: to exclude people that aren't attractive. This is still horribly superficial but I actually think it is less unacceptable use of PYOW. The reason is because you are excluding people for a specific reason the relationship won't work and not because of a potential problem in the relationship; I would be eliminating a girl because I am not attracted to her, which is a legitimate reason. It is possible that you can meet someone and grow attracted to them, but again, at that point you are rating them on more than looks. One of PYOW's main problems is that it doesn't factor any personality whatsoever.

The idea of "leagues" died somewhere in college. Prior to that I can see how leagues existed (especially in high school), but if you are out of college, there is no such thing. It's just something everyone needs to get past. The thing to remember is that I am not arguing going after only the hottest of hot girls (the Jessica Alba's of the world), all I'm arguing is that you can't automatically exclude people because you think they are (significantly) better looking than you.

I have talked to about 15 people about this and only three people agree with me. I am curious to what other people think so if you email me, I will post whatever you have to say.