Al Franken has a Big Head

December 19, 2005

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	The Al Franken Hour Starts Now

Al Franken has a big head. I don't mean that Al Franken has a big ego or his recent success has made him arrogant. Al Franken literally has a big head. I went to see him at a book signing at the Borders on north Michigan Avenue last Friday. The signing started at 7pm and I got to the store at 5pm. I expected it to be packed. Franken is currently one of the main voices of the Democratic party, an intelligent speaker, and a very funny person. Al Franken Show on Air America Radio is currently the number one rated radio show1 in the nation. Finally, Chicago is one of the most liberal cities in the United States. Despite the major snowstorm the night before, I still expected there to be a long line at 5pm.

	"He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it. Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head."

There was no line. There were however about ten people in an area, but by no means could they be defined as a "line2." Not even by the loosest definition. So I waited there, becoming the eleventh person in this group. I kept my headphones3 on and pulled out a book to limit any contact I would have to have with anyone. During this time I learned that the Borders Security would open up the seating area (which they were in the process of setting up). The next 30 minutes came and went and when I turned around, a line definitely had formed. Even so, the eleven of us were able go in first.

I got a good seat, right on the middle aisle, 2nd row. For the next hour and a half I read the Illini Book4 and re-lived the last few games of the 2004-2005 Fighting Illini season. Then promptly at 7pm, Al Franken appeared. It was at this time I noticed that Franken's head was too big for his body. Al Franken has a big head.

	Buy This

Franken was as enthusiastic a speaker as I've seen. He started out with a story of his recent USO visit in which he did a spot-on Sylvester Stallone impersonation. He followed by discussing a speech he gave to the junior class at West Point. Then for the next 30 minutes he discussed his book The Truth (with Jokes) and the failures of the current administration (along with another great impersonation of Cheney). With that subject matter, he could have easily spoken for another 30 hours. Following this he read a chapter from his book and then had a 15 minute Q&A session. It was a real privilege to hear him speak. I wish I had seen him when he had a speaking tour (when you had to actually pay for a ticket). After the Q&A he proceeded to sign copies of his book (and anything else for that matter)5. If you get a chance to see him live, I highly recommend it. Furthermore, I think that Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right and The Truth (with jokes) should be required reading for everyone, particularly those that can vote. I am not saying blindly believe everything he says6, but use it as a starting point for your own research7 so you can make informed decisions.

The Al Franken event re-enforced something that I had thought about on-and-off the last year: at every signing, there is at least one person that attends from each of the groups below. Seriously, without fail.

	And while you're at it, buy this too

1. The Constant Commentator
This is the person that feels s/he must make a comment approximately every 10 minutes during the speaking. Typically the comment takes the form of a joke that only a few will find funny. This time I was lucky enough8 to sit right at the 5 o'clock of the The Constant Commentator. After 10 minutes I decided to keep track of how many comments he made; the final count: eight. That's one comment every 9.38 minutes.

2. The Laugher
Did your speaker make a joke? Did you hear that laugh that was really loud? Another joke...same laugh? Repeat at every joke? Yes, now you've located The Laugher. No matter what the joke, this person will have the loudest and longest laugh. I hate this person.

3. The Job Seeker
The person only reveals themselves during the question and answer session. Typically they are younger. The Job Seeker is the one that says, "Hey, I loved your book. Do you have any job openings or suggestions for people trying to get into the industry." It's always the same thing: compliment followed by a request. I have never been to a signing without a Job Seeker. What's unique about the Job Seeker is that there can never be more than one at a signing. The minute the first one asks the question, any prospective Job Seekers are forced to shut their mouths.

4. The Inside Man
This the person that somehow knows just a little9 too much about the speaker. This person knows the names of the speaker's children, their parents, little bits of information that no one but the speaker should know. There are actually two versions of the Inside Man. The first knows too much info and comes across as a worshipper. The second, thinks he's best friends with the speaker. This guy probably winks at the speaker as if only the two of them are in on an inside joke. I went to see a special screening of Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Kevin Smith gave a brief speech and took a few questions after the movie. One guy there asked his question and then made some worthless comment about a band that Smith chose for the soundtrack, as if he was the only one that understood the meaning10 of that band and song. What a Jackass.

	Screech and Violet probably hit a lot of book signings together

5. The Perfect Match
Finally, the last type of person at these events. This is actually two people, not one. These are the couples that attend that are the perfect match for one another. You look at the guy and think he could date no other person except for that girl, yet you look at the girl and think the exact same thing. I actually love The Perfect Match. There is just something so comically amusing yet hopeful about them. It's as if the world is saying, "If he can find someone, do you really think you can't? The guy will be obese and the girl will be just as obese11; There will be some alternative-dreadlocked bike messenger and his equally alternative artist girlfriend. Bless these couples, each and every one.

Next time you are at signing or speaking, keep a checklist of each of these people, trust me, they will be very easy to spot.

God Loves Footnotes:

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	Paul Feig: Creator of Freaks & Geeks

1. This is based on the fact that the Al Franken Show is the only show I listen to on the radio.

2. Defined by Webster's as "an arrangement or placement of persons or objects of one kind in an orderly series."

3. Here's a little trick I use, sometimes when I am in this type of situation I put on headphones but don't turn on music so I can still listen to what's going on but this way people are less likely to talk to me.

4. This is a pretty good book and I challenge anyone to read it in more than an hour. I don't think it's possible. The other thing about this book is that it reminded me of reports I would submit in high school. What's that? The report minimum is ten pages. You mean to tell me I only have five pages. No problem, 2.3 line spacing, courier new font size 12. Here you go, my minimum ten pages and I've raised you another ten pages. I seriously thought I bought a big-print/vision impaired version of the book.

5. I had him sign two books, a field trip permission slip, and a confession (which I can't elaborate on).

6. Even though you can.

7. I recently got really upset when one of my friend's starting propagating the "John Kerry is a Flip Flopper" message. This is a year later and it still gets me mad. People hear one sound bite on the news or one message and repeat it as fact and furthermore sell it as the truth - which is what so many people did in the fall of 2004. They heard something on O'Reilly and immediately thought it was true and 100% accurate.

8. This is supposed to be sarcastic.

9. By little, I mean a lot.

10. This may be true though since I had no clue what he was talking about.

11. This Perfect Match couple attended the Paul Feig appearance earlier this year.

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