jayble's stable | The Art of Non-Dating

The Art of Non-Dating

January 6, 2006


	"I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. I mean...your destiny."

I don't know if the term Non-Dating has been used before, but I am still taking credit for it. Non-Dating is when two people do all the things that two people who are dating do, but without any committment or admission they are dating. Non-Dating can be confused with three other scenarios:

Friends With Benefits: In a Friends with Benefits situation, the two parties are not romantically interested in each other or only one party is interested.

Non-Labelers: Non-Labelers are two people who know they are dating but just don't want to label each other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." A committment is known between Non-Labelers.

George McFly Syndrome: This a reference to the George McFly from Back to the Future. George pines for Lorraine and finally, at the end of the movie, Lorraine realizes George is the one. In this situation, the attraction is only one-way and the person is basically waiting for the other to come around (even though this only happens in the movies).

When two people are non-dating, both parties are interested in one another romantically but will not accept it or be committed to the other for whatever reason. Non-Dating is a dating loophole.

The dating loophole was first publicized in the Seinfeld episode The Calzone when Todd Gak intentionally loses a bet so that he can take Elaine out to dinner. Gak never asked Elaine out and therefore never faced the possibility of being rejected. Gak used a dating loophole.


	Even Elaine fell for the dating loophole

I realized that my friend (Gak) found another dating loophole when he begrudgingly told me about a bet he had with his ex-girlfriend (Elaine). I wasn't really listening when he told me about the bet, but I did listen to the critical element: If he lost, he would take her out to dinner and if she lost, she would take him out to dinner. Gak and Elaine were both using the bet as an excuse to have dinner with the other person. This was exactly the same thing as Seinfeld expect both parties knew what they were doing. This was a different dating loophole than the one in Seinfeld, but still as effective. Both Gak and Elaine wanted to go out with each other but didn't want to walk down the dating path because they had a lot of issues while dating and didn't want to committ to one another. Even now, Gak and Elaine continually hang out as "friends" and talk frequently, but they both are kidding themselves by thinking that they are just friends. Gak and Elaine are not dating, they are Non-Dating.

Non-Dating is the perfect excuse for two people in Gak and Elaine's situation. They get to hang out and spend time with one another, yet if anyone asks if they are dating, then they still retain deniability. What Gak and Elaine don't realize is that Non-Dating will almost always end very badly and if they do get back together, it will be short-lived. Couples should know that the Non-Dating Highway only leads to three destinations: Couple-Town, Confrontation City, or Break-Up-Ville.


	Are we there yet?

Destination A: Couple-Town
Couple-Town is more of a pit stop than a destination. In fact, in most scenarios it is a pit-stop for people that are headed to Break-Up-Ville.

If you look at a couple that used to date and are currently non-dating, it is only a matter of time before it ends. The problem is that during their non-dating period, the problems that existed in the first place were never resolved. While non-dating, couples never address any problems because each feels there is no need to because they aren't officially dating. They romanticize each other thinking that the person has changed or the problem no longer exists when it is really just hibernating - ready to awaken at any given moment. It may take a while, but the problems will eventually surface and it will only be a matter of time before the two breakup.

Couple-Town could be the end result if the non-daters never dated, but in almost all cases where two people used to date, Couple-Town will never be the final destination. Furthermore, just because you stopped at Couple-Town, it does not mean that you won't eventually head to the Break-Up-Ville.


	20/20

Destination B: Confrontation City
If you are going to Confrontation City, then you most likely did not stop at Couple-Town. In Confrontation City, one person gets so tired of non-dating, they confront the other person. This will force the other person's hand and they will have to choose if they go to Couple-Town or straight to Break-Up-Ville. When non-dating, it could take a while before you arrive at Confrontation City. Sometimes you'll stop there, other times you'll bypass it entirely and proceed directly to...

Destination C: Break-Up-Ville
The third destination is where most Non-Daters are headed. Realistically one of two will meet someone else and start to date that person. At that point, the other person will get pissed which will result in the following exchange (or some variation):

Gak: Yeah, I started seeing this one girl and I don't think it's fair to her that we hang out.
Elaine: What? You cheated on me?
Gak: Um, we aren't dating.
Elaine: Oh don't say that - you knew we were working the relationship. I didn't think it had to be said.


	"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

Even if the above conversation doesn't happen the relationship will end due to inherent problems, mistrust, or just an overall, "what the fuck am I doing" introspective.

The thing that non-daters don't realize is the simple reason neither has committed is because one or both are waiting for something better but neither want to be the one that gets dumped. I've non-dated girls a couple times (years back) and it's tough. Additionally, being trapped in the situation clouds your judgement. Anyone that is 3rd party to non-daters can clearly see where it is heading, it's just too bad that the only way non-daters see the situation is in hindsight.

I think anyone that isn't non-dating can easily see that everything above is just common sense, but those that are in the situation, like Gak, have hope they are the exception. Unfortunately, this is isn't The Shawshank Redemption; Hope may have kept Andy Dufresne from going insane, but it will only prolong a bad non-dating situation.