jayble's stable | Five...Things I Learned From Chuck Klosterman

5...Things I Learned From Chuck Klosterman

January 20, 2006


	The title explains it all

Early last August, I read Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs : A Low Culture Manifesto. I had seen in at Borders and the title always caught my eye and at one point last fall or early summer, I came across three references to the book within one week. I took that as a sign and went out and bought it. I loved the book. Even more surprisingly, only a few weeks later, Klosterman was the subject of one of Bill Simmons' Curious Guy Must be an ESPN Insider to read article

articles. Klosterman also has two other books: Killing Yourself to Live : 85% of a True Story, and Fargo Rock City : A Heavy Metal Odyssey in Rural North Dakota. I haven't read Fargo yet, but I just finished Killing Yourself and had to invoke some Klosterman wisdom on others. If you haven't read these books, I highly recommend the two I've read.

1. Rule for Dating Ex-Girlfriends of Friends
[KYtL pg 118-119] - My policy is that is a woman breaks up with a guy I consider a friend, I will never date that woman under any circumstances. However, if one of my male friends actively breaks up with a woman I find appealing, I become eligible to date her - with his unspoken permission - when the amount of time following the break is equal to twice the length of the original relationship. For example, if they were together for seven weeks, I could not ask the woman on a date until three months and one week had passed since he dumped her. These rules are non-negotiable.

I always had a similar rule, but not as clearly and concisely defined ad Klosterman. If a couple of my friends had followed this rule, it would have saved them much heartache. I also think that it applies to each scenario regardless of how long two people dated; three months, then you have to wait seven months; seven years, looks like I'm waiting 14 years. The only addition I will add is that the you may date the woman if your friend starts dating someone else, they date exclusively for one full year, and you let the friend know before you ask the girl out. Just a warning though, you should still be prepared for possible fallout if you date a friend's ex; Basically, you have to be prepared to end the friendship.


	"Kickboxing. Sport of the future."

2. Lloyd Dobler, John Cusack, and Fake Love
[SD&CP pg 2-3] - It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker. But here's what none of these upwardly mobile women seem to realize: They don't love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they see Mr. Cusack, they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say Anything, a movie that came out more than a decade ago. And these upwardly mobile women are not alone. We all convince ourselves of things like this - not necessarily about Say Anything, but about fictionalized portrayals of romance that happen to hit us in the right place, at the right time. This is why I will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. We will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love.

Klosterman brings up a great point about how Hollywood has changed people's expectations about dating. I've met far too many girls that have these glamorized idea of romance where everyone lives "happily ever after" with no problems. I don't think people realize that relationships actually take work and some modicum of effort. I knew one girl that consistently clung to the "Meant to Be" philosophy and would constantly use that as excuse if things went bad instead of accepting any responsibility. Her ideas about dating were so idealized that no relationship could ever meet her expectations of what a relationship should be; expectations that were set by Hollywood. I could probably write a lot more about this, but for now I think this is enough. Wait, I'll add one more point, Seth Cohen is millennium version of Lloyd Dobler (or Adam Brody is the millennium version of John Cusack depending on how you look at it).


	Birth of the Ford Taun Taun

3. Apples & Oranges
[SD&CP pg85] - "You're missing the point," she said. "What you're saying makes sense in theory, but not in practice. You're trying to compare apples to oranges." "Why do you keep saying that?" he asked in response. "Apples and oranges aren't that different, really. I mean, they're both fruit. Their weight is extremely similar. They both contain acidic elements. They're both roughly spherical. They serve the same social purpose. With the possible exception of a tangerine, I can't think of anything more similar to an orange than an apple. If I was having lunch with a man who was eating an apple and - while I was looking away - he replaced that apple with an orange, I doubt I'd even notice. So how is this a metaphor for difference? I could understand if you said, 'That's like comparing apples and uranium,' or 'That's like comparing apples with baby wolverines,' or 'That's like comparing apples with the early work of Raymond Carver,' or 'That's like comparing apples with hermaphroditic ground sloths.' Those would all be valid examples of profound disparity. But not apples and oranges. In every meaningful way, they're virtually identical." "You're missing the point," she said again, this time for different reasons.

I am rethinking any metaphors and idioms because Klosterman just blew my fucking mind.


	Cleary she was airbrushed in

4. Saved By The Bell and the Tori Paradox
[SD&CP pg 138-152] - Saved by the Bell followed the lives of six kids at a California high school called Bayside. The six primary characters were as follows: Zack, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Jessie, Lisa. Every other kid at Bayside was either a nerd, a jock, a randomly hot chick, or completely non-descript. Weirdly, a leather-clad girl named Tori became the main character for half of the last season when Kelly and Jessie left the show. For half of the "senior year" at Bayside, Jessie and Kelly are completely part of the action, just as they'd been for the last three seasons. However, they're suddenly absent for twelve consecutive episodes, having been replaced by "Tori," an attractive, brassy brunette in a black leather jacket who displayed elements of both their personalities. Tori is completely absorbed into the Bayside gang...and generally behaves as though she has always been one of their closest friends. This lasts until the graduation episode, when Kelly and Jessie suddenly reappear as if nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, Tori does not appear at graduation and is not even mentioned. On paper, this seems idiotic, borderline insulting, and-above all-unreal. But the more I think back on my life, the more I've come to realize that the Tori Paradox might be the only element of Saved By The Bell that actually happened to me. I knew a girl in college who partied with me and my posse constantly, except for one semester in 1993-she had a waitressing job at Applebee's during that stretch and could never make it to any parties.. And even though we all loved her, I can't recall anyone mentioning her absence until she came back. And sometimes I was the person cut out of life's script. That very same semester, all my coworkers at our college newspaper temporarily decided I was a jerk and briefly froze me out of their lives; we later reunited. I could kind of relate to how Kelly Kapowski must have felt after Tori evaporated. Coming and going is more normal than it should be.

I think Klosterman says this perfectly. I also thought the Tori episodes were absurd but after reading the above and looking at some of my own friendships, the Tori Paradox was for more common than uncommon. I can think of at least five Tori's in the last couple years and at least three situations where I was the Tori. I am not arguing that this is bad or good, just reiterating Klosterman's argument that it's more common that you may think.


	Taschi Station was probably where Luke smoked pot, complained about the government, and didn't look for jobs

5. The Empire Strikes Back
[SD&CP pg 150-152] - It's now completely obvious that The Empire Strikes Back was the seminal foundation for what became "Generation X." In a roundabout way, Boba Fett created Pearl Jam. ESB might be the only example of a movie that set the social aesthetic for a generation coming into the future. It's clear that Luke Skywalker was the original Gen Xer. For one thing, he was incessantly whiny. For another, he was exhaustively educated-via Yoda-about things that had little practical value (i.e.,[sic] how to stand on one's head while lifting a rock telekinetically). Essentially, Luke went to the University of Dagobah with a major in Buddhist philosophy and a minor in physical education. Meanwhile, Luke's only romantic aspirations are directed toward a woman who (literally) looks at him like a brother. His dad is on his case to join the family business. Most significantly, all the problems in his life can be directly blamed on the generation that came before him, and specifically on his father's view about what to believe (i.e., [sic] respect authority, dress conservatively, annihilate innocent planets, etc.).

As a big fan of the Star Wars movies (even episodes 1-3), I'm always amazed if I hear something that looks at the movies in a completely new perspective. I've never thought of The Empire Strikes Back as the movie that created Generation X. When I think Gen X, I think of Reality Bites, S.F.W., and Singles. Now I can add one more to the list. I don't know if I'll be able to watch Star Wars any more without thinking that Tatooine is George Lucas' Seattle.

There they are: five things I've learned from Chuck Klosterman. In addition to the books mentioned above, he also contributes to ESPN's Page 2 once a month and is a senior writer for Spin magazine and columnist for Esquire.