jayble's stable | Myth #76: I Don't Want To Be The Rebound

Myth #76: I Don't Want To Be The Rebound

April 24, 2007


	Vince may still be waiting for Jen to get over Brad.

At the posting of this article, I have hit the four year anniversary of Jayble's Stable. When I started this site I did not know if I could keep it up or how long it would last. After four years, it is still going strong. I am writing more consistently so hopefully the Stable will last another four years.

Anyway.

Earlier this year I found out that a girl who I have known for about three years (or so) recently became single. When I first met her, I instantly thought she was attractive and I was interested in her. Fifteen minutes later I found out she had a boyfriend and I set aside any thoughts of asking her out. Over the next three years I saw her occassionally at parties. Earlier this year we started to email and at some point decided to grab a drink. While the two of us hung out with a group of our friends, my interest was rekindled. When I got home that night, I remember knowing that I wanted to ask out the girl but also knowing that she just got out of a three year relationship and that I did not want to be the rebound guy. After thinking about it more I realized that a person could never not be a rebound guy.


	Oh Garner, I hope the death of your career was worth it for Affleck.

No matter who you date, you are always a rebound. A rebound from their last relationship, a rebound from their years of previous relationships, even a rebound from the fictional "perfect" relationship they have imagined in their minds. In turn, for the same reasons, they are a rebound as well.

Initially, people will always compare a person they are interested in with their previous relationship. This will happen subconscious and consciously and sometimes this can work for you and sometimes against; this is the Comparative Premium (or Discount). The previous relationship failed for some reason and if you are the antithesis to this reason, then you will have a premium over other people. For example, the last girlfriend I had was very clingy and a girl that is more independant is much more appealing to me.

Similarly, a person will compare a person to the sum of their previous relationships. With each person I date, I get a little closer to something that was missing in all other previous relationships. Again, this comparison is a normal part of human nature. Even my first girlfriend suffered from comparison because I compared her (and us) to the "idea" of relationships that I had in my head.

These comparisons will always occur at the beginning of relationships from both sides. It is not unfair, it is natural that people do this, consciously or subconsciously. Obviously, these comparisons are not the focus of a person's judgment on the relationship but just one of the many factors that influence it.


	Chamberlain knew about rebounds - both on and off the court.

The term "rebound relationship" is used typically to describe a relationship that is more casual and finite versus something that could be enduring, but only with the benefit of hindsight can an accurate description ever be given. A rebound relationship can also occur if a person commits to someone else after just getting out of a long-term relationship. After dating someone for a long time, I have known plenty of people that marry the next person they date and just as many that date the next person for only a few weeks - but every single one was a rebound relationship whether it lasted or not. Hindsight should not and can not determine if a relationship is categorized as "rebound."

Being the rebound is nothing to fear because you will always be the rebound to something. In the beginning of all relationships you have to balance the line between being aloof or coming on too strong; between showing interest and not showing interest. A "rebound relationship" does not doom it to failure or guarantee its success.

In the end, I did ask out the girl. I did not wait three years for her to be single, but now that she was, I did not want to miss out on the opportunity when it presented itself. In interest of full disclosure, it did not work out and I don't regret asking her.