jayble's stable | Umbrella Etiquette

Umbrella Etiquette

January 25, 2008

In April 2004 I wrote The Art of Walking which described major walking mistakes that most people make in the city. Sadly, almost four years later and thousands of people continue making these same mistakes. I don't know if I'll ever get used them and it continues to baffle me how people have so little common sense when walking. Anyway.

In the article, I called one type of walker that was especially annoying a Mary Poppins. "Mary Poppinses are dubbed so because of their incompetence with umbrellas. Some will carry ridiculously huge golf umbrellas which could easily fit a family of five underneath. Others will carry normal umbrellas but somehow they think this makes them oblivious to people around them and they go around poking people with the umbrella spokes."

Last week Chicago experienced in unusual amount of rain and these Mary Poppins walkers came out in full force. Initially, I pointed out a couple of the reasons these people annoy me, but I realized that these people are probably unaware of the errors of their rationale or of some common umbrella etiquette. First some common misconceptions these people have:

Misconceptions:


	Is this you? If not, then don't worry about the rain.

Water Will Not Kill You (Or Your Clothes)
Here is a little secret, if you are not the Wicked Witch of the West or Clayface (from Batman), then water will not kill you. That is right, you heard/read me. WATER WILL NOT KILL YOU. If you walk in the rain you have to expect to get a little wet - it comes with the territory. The cuffs of your pants, your shoes, maybe your backpack or shoulder bag will get hit with some rain. Don't worry though - they will dry and you can get them cleaned. That's right, there are several services that will clean your clothes for you. Technology is amazing isn't it?

Snow Is Not Rain
Snow is not rain. There are times when it is snowing or light flurries. You do not need an umbrella in this weather. Similar to the first misconception, snow will also not kill you or ruin your clothes. Mind you, there are times when it is snowing heavily or there is a mix of rain/snow - and yes, at these times it's perfectly acceptable to carry an umbrella. Here is a little test: Look at those around you, if 75% of the people are not carrying an umbrella, then there is a good chance you don't have to either.


	"This umbrella demeans us both."

Dogs Don't Need Umbrellas
This is the stupidest idea I've seen in a long time. I love dogs, but trust me when I tell you that it is okay if your dog gets wet. Besides, the umbrella will only make him/her insecure among other dogs in the dog park. Eventually he will get ostracized by these other dogs and his only other friend will be the one other dog with an umbrella. What does that mean for you? It means your only other dog park friend will be the one owner that put an umbrella on their dog. Do you really want to be friends with this person? I didn't think so. Just do everyone a favor and wait to take your dog out if it's raining or suck it up and deal with the fact that he's going to shake out the water.


	I don't even know what to say here.

Function Over Form
One of the things about living in Chicago is dealing with the different seasons. A byproduct of this is acceptance of realizing that it's okay to not look cool in bad weather. When it's freezing out (like this week in Chicago) no matter how cool you think you look, you are not hiding the fact that your ears are probably frozen and falling off. Extending this to umbrellas, you do not need a cool, hipster umbrella, a clear umbrella, and oddly shaped umbrella, etc. A simple black one will do.

And, while I do argue function over form, it is very important to realize there are some standards of behavior when carrying an umbrella.

Umbrella Etiquette:


	This Umbrella Is Too Big!

Your Umbrella Is Too Big
First and foremost, your umbrella is too big. An umbrella should allow you to cover a majority of yourself from the rain. You do not need to fit more than one person under your umbrella let alone an entire family. If you can use your umbrella as a beach umbrella, it is too big. If you can cover a New York food vendor cart with your umbrella, it is too big. Quite simply, if you have to ask, then your umbrella is too big. Remember the first misconception, the water will not hurt you, there is no reason that all of you must stay 100% dry.


	"You'll shoot your eye out kid."

Spokes Can Kill People
Those metal spokes that line your umbrella are not just for show - they can be a deadly weapon. Furthermore, the plastic casing around some spokes do nothing to lessen their impact. The thing I hate most about people with umbrellas is that they do not account for height differentials and therefore do not realize that these umbrella spokes can easily take out eyes. Mind your environment people, I cannot stress this enough. If you are short and you see a taller person walking towards you, realize that he could lose an eye. If two people of equal height are walking towards each other, someone will have to give way.


	"Storm's a comin' Annie"

Sometimes It Is Windy
I love the fact that Umbrella Engineers invented wind flaps to prevent an umbrella from blowing away. Genius. But, sometimes it's so windy that even these wind flaps do not help. Furthermore, when it is really windy and the rain is coming in sideways, you are going to get more wet than if the rain was coming straight down. The main problem with windy days is that people walk with their umbrellas in front of them to avoid having their umbrellas blown away. Would you drive with your eyes closed? Would you walk only looking at the ground and the two feet in front of you? That is effectively what you are doing if you have the umbrella out in front. If it is that windy just take a cab.

So the next time it is raining, remember these rules of umbrella etiquette before you lock your S-Foils in attack position.